Open Communication

 Dear Readers,

It started innocently enough. Someone liked some of the posts I have written on here, and sent some comments to one of my social media platforms dm boxes. It's neat hearing from readers, even though I would have preferred the comments be on the posts, so everyone could participate in the conversation, if wanted. 

Then, the person read the post where I describe not standing up for the pledge of allegiance to the flag, let me remind you readers, that happened once out of my dad's 22-year career, and was an allowed response to the standing time. I remained quiet and respectful during that time. I was exercising one of the rights that I was allowed in my life as a 4th or 5th grade child in the 1980s in a way that valued the time and experience of others. They got restimulated about a time their child didn't stand for the pledge of allegiance at some fireworks demonstration, I'm being vague on purpose here, and described shaming their child into standing up by reminding them of others they know who had served. 

That shame may have worked that day for their child, but it didn't change the internal desire to love the flag, or to want to not peacefully demonstrate against it. It was just a child forcefully compiling with a parent. Just as their anger at me didn't change my history, just my willingness to have them in my space. I feel sorry for their child, whether that person is now an adult, or still under the age of majority and required to be with the person who communicated with me.

From now on, all dm communications about this blog will be deleted without being read. I'm only going to pay attention to open communication through comments on here. I delete the spam messages that occur too. 

I'm just tired of the entitlement of others to feel like they can tell me what to do with my own stuff, my own life, my memories, and so on. It has no impact on your life. Even if it reminds you of something within your history, it's not anything to do with me, not really. My life has no impact on your life, we're so far apart my ripples don't touch yours. Especially this past year and a bit, with me staying in my home and with the folks in my home, I haven't been able to ripple as much as I would like. 

If you want to express an opinion about this, reply to this post if you want me to see it, or talk with your family or friends if you don't want me to see it. I'd like to know what you think about folks dropping into others dm's, or about the flag (even though that's only a tangent here), or whatever this reminds you of here. It's alll good, in the comments.

Later,
Jen

Dancing through January

 Hi y'all!

I was raised my first 8 years mostly in North Carolina in and around Ft. Bragg, and even though we had neighbors with international heritages, I still have southern vocal patterns. Oh well, it is what it is. My parents are from the front range of Colorado and the midwestern part of South Dakota, so they don't really have southern ways, and their parents weren't southern either. It's just something I picked up over time. 

Anyways, I liked having the word of the season being Dancing. I had a section of my habit tracker in the bullet journal for it with the quote from myself discovery work, "Dancing the dance of life brings me joy." In that section, I also doodled some eighth-notes, a dragonfly, and a five-petal flower. I like the look of it, and it was visible every-ish day when I checked in about whether or not I had done the 22 things I was tracking for the month.

I used a lot of music through the month. There were the weekly zoom meetings with other crafters on Sunday afternoons that the local fiber store owner hosted where the first two-thirds is music jams supplied by the participants in a Spotify playlist we all listen to as we craft along where we happen to be located, then last third is us sharing our names, locations, and what we crafted that day (sometimes, since the last meeting, but not often). 

I also have been listening to the Daily Wellness on Spotify to get some music and some meditation and just have a happy start to the day. That lead to liking lots of songs, and then finding songs and artist from when I was younger and liking their music on there. Now, I listen to hip-hop women artists when I do a lot of my typing as I like the lyrics and the pace for focusing.

I've also been Dancing through my crafting. I thought I'd be lucky to craft 500 yards when the month started. Then, maybe 1,000 yards. Not even 1,500 yards would be a stretch. Nope, I Danced my way all the way to 1642.1 yards crafted, and 1478 yards out of stash through a skein of yarn that hadn't been removed when I got rid of it a while ago, so that's 3201.1 yards out of stash for the month of January. I'll do a separate post of the projects and their details later.

I've also been enjoying the scent of a vanilla and sugar candle. It's not Dancing exactly, and not quite hip-hop style, but it's been helping me to feel happy with the passing of the colder days of winter. There had been a mulberry colored candle that had a spicy scent, and it gave me a headache. This one is nice, and warm, and floaty, like Queen Latifah singing a mellow ballad. 

I just like all the joys of Dancing has brought to me this month. No, it's not in club, mostly in my living room, jamming as I bee bop along through life, and that's cool. It's nice to add some pep and some joy to your steps, some rhythm to your days, beyond the routines of getting up, some music to your cardio. It's all good stuff, and that's very good for my soul.

Take care, y'all, I'll write more later,
Jen

Word of the Year, Personal Review, 2020 ~ Manage

 My Word of the Year for 2020 was Manage. This came from a larger quote, by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, “One who can learn to flow with the current as well as manage the current is the successful one.”

I think I focused on the wrong part of the quote, but the season before last year had been one of floating a lot, and I wanted a little more direction. By the end of the year, I had come to dislike the word Manage for my word, but not enough to change it.

The year began simply enough. January, was it's usual beast with 100% of the days being full of migraines. (I have a new theory about this for a future blog post, so watch for that! It's not earth shattering, just mind expanding for me with implications for future changes.) The migraines continued into February with some other things going on in the personal world to Manage. March, what can I say that hasn't already been said before? 

We in the US, not sure about the rest of the world, began the month of March much the same as any other month in the rest of the 21st century. Then the weekend around the Ides of March in the middle of the month came (for those that don't know their Julius Caesar history, the Ides of March are the 15th of March, the date to settle debts, which Caesar did with his life, as did a great many people in this century from that date forward, but I'm getting ahead of myself). And, my household went into a holding pattern, as many in the world did. Would we go to work on Monday? Would we be able to go to the grocery stores? The hospitals? What exactly was closing and when? So many questions. So much misinformation. So much confusion that looking back could have been avoided. But it wasn't and so we are still digging out from the mess that was started first by those in leadership saying it was a "flu" and then because of that not providing adequate care and information for the masses needing an unprecedented amount of both.

April passed in a blur of Managing expectations and wearing masks when out of the house. Because whether or not they did anything, what if they did do something. And, they showed as a sign of respect that I respect your health, so I'm wearing my mask to protect you in case I'm asymptomatic and don't know it. That's the simple thing that showed up a lot in the Spring and Summer months was the sheer entitlement of folks not respecting each other. Folks deciding that their anger at the situation was more important in grocery store videos that went viral than the government and store rules that we wore masks. 

May came and went with more time outside. My pup and I took some time in our neighborhood to take socially distanced walks around. Our neighborhood is semi-rural and so we walk on the roads. I carry a mask in my pocket, to pop on my face if I happened to come across a person who wanted to come closer than 7-8 feet even though the distance for masks at the time was 6 feet. I have had some weird health things in the past, so was and still am acting from a very cautious place with this. 

June the world learned the name George Floyd. Managing my own internal biases and learning which family members were being ignorant on purpose and so were trying to pull me into discussions about whether it was possible for black people to have the same prejudices with white people, which for the record, it's not, was an interesting exercise in patience, which I don't have a lot of. There's not a 400 year history of black oppression of white people by black people with the rules of one drop of whiteness in your blood making you white so there's more white people, so there's more enslaved people to work the plantations and homes of the black oppressors for free. Sounds kind of ridiculous when you change the positions of the races. To paraphrase Dr. Jaiya John from a podcast I heard in October, through the Good Ancestor podcast by Layla F. Saad, white supremacy is a virus that we have lived with and don't know what it would be like to live without. I want to live in that world. 

July was more Managing. This time internal as well, as I had asked for an assessment for distractibility and memory issues. I had been noticing that I couldn't settle my mind to much of anything. I had been putting it down to the pandemic for the last few months, but thinking on my life, I noticed that this was how I just was. Always mentally curious and able to do deep dives into subjects that are interesting, but hardly able to do anything that wasn't at all somehow motivating to me. I had to know why it was important, agree it was important, and like doing it, to maybe even want to do it. Or, I'd find an excuse not to do it. Doing it because of making other people happy doesn't work because that's manipulating them, if I don't want to do the thing. So, at the end of the month I was evaluated for adhd. 

August was more Managing. Still internal, but with others too. In early August, I got the diagnosis of a type of adhd. Then, I did deep dives into what that was. I took a dedicated break from a crafting group I'm part of to figure out my place in the world with this new information. Also, my pup was beginning to do poorly, and I didn't want to deal with a lot of questions, so a break would give some space for whatever happened in the next few months.

September came with some hard conversations to Manage. We talked with the vet about the process for euthanizing our dog because he was doing so poorly. As a last option, we took him to a specialist vet on the off chance that something might be easier for him in the last days of life. The first appointment was in October, so we Managed to wait for a while, did I mention I don't have a lot of patience? The new school year brought a new pattern to the schedule of the weeks. Since March through June the weeks had been fully remote through the computer. Then the summer was it's usual break. Summer school had been thought about, but dismissed in this time. So, the county had been in the yellow for most of the summer with occasional bursts into the other two colors. (out of a red, yellow, and green system, with red being fully remote, yellow being hybrid, and green being fully in person allowed.) The school district chose to do a yellow hybrid system for the school year, until and unless they had to go red - fully remote, even if the county went into a green zone to better protect the students and staff. That means our days have had a different pattern than ever before with two days in person, a remote day, and then two days in person. Getting used to the pattern of days has taken a bit of effort, but it's happened and now feels normal.

October came with more chances to Manage. Early in the month my pup met the specialist vet. I have only ever heard her voice over the phone as the visits have been curbside the whole time of knowing her. She did some tests, used her vast knowledge and care, and developed a plan to try to turn around the bad bacterial infection he had had for a long time that was resisting other antibiotics he had tried. She started him on an antibiotic that required wearing gloves, washing hands before and after administering the medicine, and making sure not to touch it to anything we would ever use for human consumption. While he was using that medicine, we couldn't let him lick us or touch his nose or face to us at all. He did sleep on the bed, but that was too much of a battle to fight at the time. In October, I also went to the orthopedic to see what was going on with my shoulder that was really sore and weaker than it should be, and had been since the summer. He took some xrays, gave me a shot of steroids and lidocaine, and sent me to regular pt. I started pt and loved going there, as the people were great and it felt good.

November, I also Managed expectations. I was still going to pt and wasn't progressing like I felt I should be. At the end of about 2 months, I was still at what felt like the beginning of the process. I requested another appointment with the doctor to see why. Until then, pt was the only time the shoulder felt good naturally, so I continued appointments until the day before the doctor's appointment in mid December. I also Managed handling the scary medicine for my pup. The medicine could cause a weird kind of anemia in those that touch it and ingest it. I also Managed writing about 37,000 words for the month in NaNoWriMo, an international writing competition to write a novel in a month. It was the first time I tracked my words written in a month.

December was a month to Mange lots of things. Near the beginning of the month I said good bye to a new friend as they left their internship at the pt clinic. I Managed to show my love in tangible ways thanks to the beneficence of the year. I Managed to write 8,000 words without the help of the daily check ins and sprints of the writing community. which is still pretty good. I have a simple bank book system that has columns for date, document name, starting word count, total word count, running balance (resets monthly, manually), and then time in minutes and a words per minute column where the word count for document is divided by the minutes. Oh, and there might be a comments column, I usually have one of those in most spreadsheets. The math columns are formulas, so I don't have to do the math mentally, and I have them filled in for about 20 rows at a time until I get to the bottom of the filled in rows and then pull down the formulas another 20 or so rows. (All this in case you want to duplicate your own spreadsheet.)

So, towards the end of December I participated in Susannah Conway's process to find your Word of the Year. I had the idea before beginning that I wanted something funner than Managing, and I wanted something more active and external as well. Dancing was running through my mind, but I had heard that this process would help solidify the Word of the Year for folks that were a bit vague on it at the moment. 

I went through the process of the first two days about a week after receiving all the emails. Then, I set it aside for about a week. Found it again and finished the day's work that I had been doing. Then, continued on through the process, just not always giving it the time that the process had intended. By the end of the process, I had solidified that Dancing was a good word for me in 2021. To support Dancing, I selected Energy, flexibility, Vibrant, and Ease as these are the feelings that Dancing creates in me. 

In hard times, our attitudes can make or break our spirits. May yours make your spirit sing, and if it isn't change it. 

Twisted Stitches, without and on Purpose

When I came back to knitting after my divorce in 2000, I walked into a local yarn store. I asked the male presenting clerk about the various options for knitting socks. Now, I had never knitted a pair of socks, and, I had forgotten everything except how to knit and purl. I had access to lots of knitting books at the Portland, Maine, public library about knitting and so knew that the cast on I’d been taught at 8 years old was called “long tail cast on” and that I didn’t like it.

The books had a ton of options, but I had no idea of where to go next. So, after he sold me some yarn, a pattern and two sizes of needles, I asked the clerk about a cast on other than the long tail cast on to start the socks with that didn’t leave you guessing at how much yarn to use for the tail. 

He suggested the cable cast on. I don’t remember him showing me how to do the cable cast on, but he did say it was like knitting but going between the stitches to draw through a loop to put onto the needle. I had some books at home that showed various options for how to do the cable cast on, along with a few other cast on. This was way before the days of Ravelry and YouTube. If YouTube existed, it didn’t have much in the way of being a knitting resource. Yahoo groups had email lists that you could join and email into the listservs and share information that way. Some folks had blogs, with a few static pictures to show the information, but not many.

Anyways, I looked at the books, figured out what the pictures were showing me and got started pretty well. The pictures did a good job of defining the difference between the cable cast on and the knitted cast on, so I didn’t make that mistake. I did the ribbing, and then read the heel instructions. What was that saying?!?! I figured that I would understand when I got there, and decided to trust the pattern. Not for the first time in my life when it comes to sock knitting.

I got through the heel turn and gusset pick up and down through the toe and grafting of the first toe. Then, I put the project aside for a while as one does and got to know someone special over the summer. It was quite nice and is still fun!

Then, I got to wanting to actually wear the socks, so got back to knitting them. I got to the middle of the foot. Then, my new sweetie’s sister-in-law mentioned liking to knit, so it was okay to bring over my project if I wanted to share some knitting time with her. I did, and so did. She had a strange look on her face while looking at the sock and a half I’d completed by that point. She asked to see how I did my stitches. 

I showed her a few stitches and she stopped me. I asked what was up? She replied, “You’re twisting your stitches! See how mine lie so nice and flat, and your’s have a twist to them?” 

Reader, you know what, she was right. My socks were twisting of their own accord!

I asked how to make stitches like she did. She showed me in the project she was working, and I did the same movements in the project I was doing. She was knitting English, and I was knitting Continental, so that added some fun. But, I just watched what the yarn was doing, like I had in the pictures in those books for the cast on. 

Neither one of us thought to say or ask about frogging the socks and starting over. I just changed the way I knit in the middle of the project and that’s something I recommend folks don’t do, unless they want obviously different parts. For you know what, dear reader? 

Those socks still exist and are the weirdest pair I ever made. One and half of the pair twists around my foot like it’s a fruit loop doing a pole dance, and the other half is a typical sock. But, I love them both. I just typically wear them in shoes so that they don’t twist too much and drive me batty with the textures changing and the heels ending up on top of my ankles.

So, that’s the story of the Twisted Stitches, without a purpose. Now, to move on to the Twisted Stitches, with a Purpose, part.

Sometime in the mid-2010s, I would look at the Craftsy website and look at the classes list to see if anything was worth paying for, or more likely, if they had any new classes in topics I liked. While searching for ergonomic knitting, someone was offering a class in combination knitting. Looking at the description of the class, I knew the term and techniques described would be better found t a basic level elsewhere on the Internet.

I searched for combination knitting, and found out it was using Eastern mounted purls and Western mounted knits. But, like with those twisted stitches earlier, not to be played with while in the middle of a project. So, I finished or frogged all my projects in knitting. 

Not all my projects, there were still crochet and embroidery and painting projects going, of course. I can’t have no wips! 

Then, I got to work learning how to do these stitches when desired. It eventually made lace fly, as you're able to set up for an ssk on the row or round before it happens, just by the way the yarn is wrapped around the stitch. Then, also, I learned to knit backwards through that experimentation period. And, by setting up an Eastern mounted stitch on one round, and working it as though it’s Western mounted on the next round, it results in a Twisted Stitch, on Purpose, with a lot more ease. 

In one of the first knitting books I had ever read, I’d seen a reference to this way of purling. But because of the author’s lack of understanding and judgement, she called it a ‘lazy purl’ and so that’d kept me away from doing it for a long time. It was in Knitting Without Tears by Elizabeth Zimmermann. I love her chatty writing style and her way of talking about yarns and patterns. But, this is one point I disagree with her about. It’s a different way of purling, it is faster for continental picker style knitters, and is easier for some of us with stress or rheumatoid arthritis injuries, but lazy, not really. I know she’s not here to hear my complaint, but others who uphold her way of thinking are, and like me, need their minds opened a bit. 

Anyways, that’s how I came from Twisted Stitches without a Purpose, to Twisted Stitches with a Purpose. 

Caveats for those who decide to experiment with the way you knit that might have an impact on your knitting gauge, Finish All Your Knitting WIPS First!! It’s best to practice on a fresh project rather than an in progress project because it will change the intersection of your hands, yarn, and needles known as your gauge. On a dishrag this could be funny, on a sweater this could be anger inducing! Ask me how I know!!! Those socks weren’t my only experiment in changing how I knit mid-project. They are the only ones still existing, though. Some things just needed to be cut and trashed. Hence why I don’t use semi-precious or super expensive yarns.

Frustration ... Acceptance

Frustration leads to suffering.
Acceptance leads to peace.
Existentially.

Let me break that down.

I used to get really frustrated when I had migraines. Sometimes, I still do. I'm human. That frustration at having the migraines led to the suffering from the pain.

You can be in pain and not suffer.

I have been in pain and not suffered.

The secret, not-so-secret-secret, is to not resist the pain and therefore not get frustrated and just radically accept that yes, there is going to be pain, now how am I going to deal with it?

Am I going to rest, and let my body have a break?

Am I going to take some medication to assist my body in getting through the time?

Am I going to use ice or heat to reduce the pain?

All of those things require acknowledging that I am in pain an accepting that it is happening.

Pushing through the pain, creating more pain, and making things worse leads to frustration.

Frustration from not being able to do what I want when I want.

Frustration from my body being not as strong as I want in the moment.

Frustration from not accepting life as it is.

That's the simple definition of radical acceptance.

I'm human, so it's a continual lesson. I do learn it again when frustration sneaks in.

Acceptance is self-care.

Blooming Crowns

Today, I went to the launch party for the newest edition of Taproot: Bloom. It was great fun!

I made a blooming crown from flowers and supplies provided by Broadturn Farm, in Scarborough, Maine, that used to be on my commute to and from work most days. It's been a long time since I traveled there, so it was nice to think on and talk with others about flowers.

This is the crown that I made! It's sitting around my summer hat I wear to combat icky lights, which wasn't needed at the party, but it's better to be prepared.

I hope to have more fun at the next release party in a while.

To find out more about Taproot, you can find their online store here.

Until next time, enjoy your walks and have fun!

How to love yourself ... some thoughts

Confidence, love for self, feeling great about you and your abilities comes from actions.

Do you want to be a person who does x? Then, do it.

I want to be a person who travels the world. Then, I need to do it.

Need a shower? Take one, use a shower chair if you need to. No one cares, but you, whether you do or don't, and what does it matter as long as you get clean?

Have weight gain from steroids for a multi-week migraine? Go for walks after dark when the light isn't so bad, and do things by handto have less noise in your environment.

Have a butt ton of crafting supplies from before yogot sick? Use them. Enjoy what you can, and make something pretty or practical.

Make.

Do.

Live.

Rest when needed.

Take care of you and your body as there is no one else who cares as much about your stuff as you do.

Top 7 things that make me feel better

Hi! I saw that making a list of things that make you feel better is a good way to feel better, so here's my list, in the order the thoughts come to me.

1. My family, it's a crazy bunch of people, but I feel better when I'm with them.
2. My dog, Casper is funny and almost always makes me laugh.
3. Writing. Expressing myself verbally, both spoken and written, is a good way to feel better. Writing wins though because I don't have to share it until I'm ready to.
4. Sunshine after the rain, and the smell of the rain. I can't generate those, but I can appreciate them when they happen.
5. The smell of freshly mown lawns, aromatherapy seems to be a theme here.
6. Hot baths, just floating in hot water to soothe achy muscles.
7. Water, whether at the lake or the ocean. Either is a luxurious and rhythmic soothing of frayed nerves.

Bonus: Thunderstorms. They clear the air of all the built up tension, and then you get fresh air afterwards. They also help to reduce humidity sometimes. Even if their going through does cause migraines, I still enjoy the spectacle and pomp of a good thunderstorm. Respect!

So what have I been up to?

Let's see!

November was a rough month emotionally. I got really burnt out on life and knitting and crafting wasn't happening. I was doing a lot for everyone else, and not taking good care of myself.

December, was, well, I did want to help decorate for Christmas, but it was still tough. Luckily my family loves me even when I'm not sure I'm lovable.

January was a fresh beginning. I decided to Sort for the House Cup and was with the Ravenclaws again. So, it was back to crafting with a passion. And, life started looking more nice in general.

February was interesting in that I finally felt weird about turning a 4- birthday. I wasn't sure why it struck this year and not the one when I turned 40. But, it did, and I realized that life needed to be funner and that I was tired of living how I'd been living doing a lot for others but not me.

March was a return to some blahness, and not because of the weather, which was awesome and way too warm for Northern New England. El Nino is a strange phenomenon! Anyways, the month ended with me just wanting to get the projects done and moving on with fun things.

I just did a goals check in for the 2016 Goal Along that PrariePoppins is doing on her website, Imagined Landscapes. 

Migraine Emergency Toolkit

I carry one of these with me daily.  It takes up a lot of space, but I don't want to not have my needed things with me.  I also almost always have a hat with a brim on to block the florescent or other too bright for me lights.  I'm nearsighted, so I use my regular glasses outside of stores more often and the sunglasses inside stores.  With the hat and glasses, I'm sometimes afraid the store loss prevention staff is going to ask to talk with me.

Another reason for carrying my kit with me is to have all the numbers on me for meds and doses, doctors and offices, and so on.  It makes my mind easy that I can just hand over my list to hospital staff and they can update my meds list if needed.

Since Zofarn, an anti-nausea med, can only be taken once every 8 hours, I also carry peppermint candies.  The Zofran is a melt in the mouth med and tastes of peppermint.  I've also done some checking into medicinal uses of mints and peppermint especially.  Peppermint naturally soothes the stomach.

So, between doses of Zofran, I suck on a peppermint candy.  Also, did you know that chewing hard candies can increase feelings of stress?  And, sucking on the candy, like on a teet or bottle nipple, can be soothing and send relaxation messages to the brain?  Well, they are both true.

Deep breathing while experiencing great pain or intense emotions also sends relaxation messages to your brain, that in turn, send out relaxation chemicals in your blood and so the tension in your body becomes lessened.  I'm trying to do that as I go through therapy to deal with the pain and stress of the changes to my life since 2011, now that I'm moving beyond the frozen survival stage.  I want to thrive, not just survive.

Life Balance, Top 10 Practices

What are your Top 10 Life Balance Practices?  Here's a listing of mine, revealed as though David Letterman was reading them in The Late Show.

10. Resting, you know, recognizing when your body is tired and needs to sleep, or at least lay down.  Sometimes being in a quiet and dark room for 10 - 15 minutes can revive me more than a cup of coffee.  Other times, I need to take a 4 hour nap during the afternoon.  Life is what it is.

9. Writing, I think through getting my thoughts out of my head and into the world, silently, on paper or a screen.  Writing gives me a chance to get some perspective from the topics before going crazy from trying to keep from bursting out on to the world, while also allowing me to process what's been going on.

8. Doing the basics good enough, shelving perfectionism.  If I can get things done good enough, they don't have to be perfect, besides maintaining perfect is exhausting and impossible.  Good enough is enough.

7. Talking with friends and family about stuff.  After I've written or rehearsed in my head a conversation, it is easier to start a difficult conversation with folks.  Even if I've not rehearsed how I'm going to introduce topic x, chatting about stuff helps me know I'm normaler than I thought I was and that I'm not alone.

6. Music, either listening to it, or making some, even dancing to it, is a good way to maintain a life balance.  I like listening to country music playing softly on the radio when I'm home alone.  Sometimes, though, I get tired of that and change to the college station, the rap/hip hop station, or the heavy metal/classic rock station.  If I'm going to be doing a mess of cleaning, oldies from the 50s to 70s help me to get moving and grooving.

5. Hot Baths/Showers, the hot water relaxing the tight muscles in my body, easing the tension.  The scents of the soaps, shampoos, and conditioners, providing an aromatherapy for my soul.  The stretching during a shower, with the hot water streaming over my muscles, unties some of the knots in my body.  Occasionally, I get emotional release and even cry.  This usually surprises me.  Though by now I should be used to it, I carry so much pain and tension in my body.

4. Reading, sometimes during a hot bath with bath salts scenting the air and coloring the water, gives respite from the daily grind, either in a tome about some serious thing, or an escape into fantasy land.  Sometimes, I'm reading bits of 5+ books at a time; other times, I find it more conducive to read just the one all the way through and be able to understand its themes and important parts better that way.

3. Knitting, fiber crafting, crocheting, spinning on a spinning wheel and on a spindle, helps me to distract from the pain, focus on one thing at a time, and slow my breathing and heart rate by just paying attention to the work I am crafting.  The creative process is amazing to me and includes not just creating from the ideas of others' patterns, but creating from my own head, and sharing that with others.  I love sharing with others, the give and take of discussion, and finding out what motivates a person.  Crafting helps me do this without seeming obtrusive.

2. Stretching, I don't call it yoga, as I'm not doing specific poses with the names known for the most part.  I just move my head in such a way as to stretch part of my neck or back, or move my arms/ankles/legs/wrists to make circles both forwards and backwards, keeping the joints from closing up on me.  My ankles get really tight all the time. I try to focus on just one side at a time, making the rest of my being soft and relaxed, dropping my shoulders, flattening my feet, sitting more on the fullness of my bottom and not the hind points, if you know what I mean.

1. Prayer, while stretching, I take time to pray, giving thanks for a working, for the most part, body, in good general health, though the migraines do exhaust me and the pain causes my body to tense.  I also pray that others have good days, no matter their current situations; that prisoners repent of their crimes and become rehabilitated if possible; that the fatherless and motherless have good substitutes in their lives; and, that folks love each other as themselves.  That will be what ends wars: loving the other as myself.

So, anyways, these are the Top 10 Practices I do to maintain my life balance.  What do you do for your life balance?

What is beauty? A message for my nieces and all other folks constrained by society's definition of beauty

Dear nieces, sweet and lovely women and girls that you are,

I want to share a secret with you, you won't read about it in Vogue or Cosmo, friends won't whisper it behind their hands held up to their faces, but it is a precious secret, and one you need to know.

I can look in the mirror and see all the imperfections that magazines, tv, and society want me to see.  Too round of a cheek, darkness under my eyes, heavy eye lids, and a nose I took a long time to realize was pretty and beautiful, as I'd seen it on my father's face, and while handsome, he wasn't exactly pretty or beautious.  Looking in my cousin's faces, I see my dad's nose, looking at his lovely sisters, I see my dad's nose.  It's a DeLay nose, big, wide, unashamed and does exactly what a nose is supposed to do. Oh, and those heavy eyelids and the darkness under my eyelids, that is the result of sleepless nights from just not being able to turn the tired feeling, they are battle scars from the fight with the fall out from meningitis a while ago, a fight I'm still able to fight.  The round cheek that's me showing that I am blessed with food and not lacking in needs that way.  All together, these mars to perfection are marks of strength, endurance, and blessings, and that my nieces, that is the secret.

It's not in the what of how you look, but the how of what you look.  Let me give an example, seeing my skin change color and texture because of the medications I take for the migraines is a what.  If I were focused on the what of how I look, those changes would make me feel like a pariah, untouchable, ugly, diseased, sickly.  Now, change to the how of what I look like.  I'm reminded of how strong I am by seeing the parts of my skin that have changed and reminded of how blessed I am to have walked out of the hospital in 2011 by the changes in my skin.  Just by changing how you tell the story of the how you are affected by something, you change the reality of how you deal with things.

This works with all sorts of things.  I experience great pain, yet, I rarely cry about it, and not just because crying makes the pain worse.  I've prayed to God for acceptance of the pain, and miraculously, he is giving me the gift of being able to live alongside the pain.  I was getting a massage last night, and the masseuse was working on a knot in my neck.  All of a sudden, I started having a dull with sharp edges pain in the middle of my back on the opposite side of my body.  I didn't expect that, and it was weird, but also kinda neat to just be there with that pain and notice it, but not get emotional about it.  Just be with it.  I was floating in the pain and the reverberating chimes of the soothing music, and not fighting the pain, just noticing it.  It was weird but good.  I've never experienced that before.  If I can do that, with God's help, then you can choose to kick the messages of beauty being skin deep or hair dependent or the curve of your lips dependent or what have you, you're beautiful just the way you are because you are human and you are. You exist and creation isn't ugly.

Fight those surface only definitions of yourself.  Don't limit yourself with the language you use.  I believe that the time is now to stand up and be counted among the proud and strong and beautiful, just for being you and getting through the day without killing anyone else.  If not now, when?  If not today, when?  The time is now.

Tell yourself, "I am.  I am beautiful.  I am strong.  I am good. I am good enough." Tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself.  You know what your inner critic is lying to you about, just dump him/her out with the garbage and tell yourself, verbally, out loud, everyday, every hour if need be, the exact opposite of what that mean inner critic was saying.  And, yes, we all have an inner critic, some of us can tell that jerk to take a flying leap off a short pier and actually lose the jerk for a while.  But, until you do more work than I've done, the critic always slinks back into your psyche and haunts you.

My inner critic was telling me junk yesterday before I went to the massage studio.  It told me I'd feel better by eating an additional cup of rice after supper.  Now, I started to listen, and actually ate half of it before I got angry and told myself that I was poisoning myself.  I was acting in opposition to my own best interests, desires, and health by eating another whole cup making it two whole cups, when a serving size is 1/3 of one cup.  That would have been 6 servings, not 1, I actually had about 4-5 servings, but I threw away the last of it because it was just too much and was going to poison me as surely as cyanide would.

I'm sharing that to illustrate that no matter how enlightened you are, or think you are, that inner critic is insidious and slinks in without notice.  A little bite will taste good and satisfy my craving for more, oh it's all sticking together so more ended up on the plate than I wanted, I'll just eat it anyways because it is there.  That's not treating myself as beautiful and worthy of being treated to optimal feed for optimal health.  I don't care about getting skinny, I just care about getting healthy.  And, health is one of the strongest aphrodisiacs any wheres.

So, dear sweet nieces, and all the other folks out there who feel constrained by society's definition of beauty, remember that you get to make your own definition.  And, you get to rewrite the story if it doesn't work right the first time. Remember the secret and use it today, now. 

Top 10 Blessings from Meningitis Induced Migraines

1. Time to pause and reflect on life while trying to distract from the pain.
2. Compassion increased for others who go through invisible disabilities.
3. Understanding of how the brain works increased.
4. Forgiveness increased for others and self.
5. Time to slow down and focus on relationships because work is out of the question with migraines 66% of the time.
6. Spiritual insight and awareness has increased greatly, yet I still understand very little.
7. Time to figure out my purpose and identity as an individual, not as a worker.
8. Ability to help train puppy because I am home almost all the time.
9. Blog more consistently.
10. Time to write letters to grandma.

 There are other blessings meningitis and migraines have brought me, but these are the ones that are top in my mind.

Keeping things in BALANCE

I use a timer, a basic kitchen timer. Mine happens to be digital, with a button to set hour and a button to set minute and a button to start the count down or count up. I use the timer in 30-60 minute bursts for housework, crafting, computer time, and other tasks.
I also use lists. There’s a master list of what I need/want to do by when. An action items list with the individual steps needed to make the needs/wants reality. Then, my daily list has just the next step that gets me forward on the items on the big list. This way I’m making progress on the goals, but not overwhelming myself with too much at once. My daily lists are used for a few days until the items are gone, then I do another one.
I recognize that my best will vary from day to day. I do my best, and let it be enough. I am learning to live within my limits. I don’t want to exhaust myself by being too busy one day and then not be able to do the next because exhaustion leads to migraines and just not feeling well for me.
I turn off the computer for a few hours daily and pay attention to people in my life who are around me daily. My partner and our boarder, who needs my help getting ready for the day, I can’t be on Rav or crafting all the time. I also turn off the computer after a while and read or do laundry or do something else. I try not to go on Rav during the weekends, this is a new thing and it felt good.
To find balance, you do know what it means, or you wouldn’t feel out of it. I’m going to suggest a few things, and you can take them or leave them, try them or not, see if they are true for you, or just so much hot air, so to speak.

1. use a timer and turn off the computer for 30 minutes and do something other than craft related things. read, go for a walk outside, do jumping jacks, anything other than crafting or the computer. IF that feels good doable, extend the time. IF it DOESN’T feel good, the next day do the same amount of time of disengaging from the computer and crafting. When you reach an uncomfortable stage, hold the time steady and figure out why it is uncomfortable. Use this knowledge to decide what you will do next.
   
2. make a master list of say five to seven things, bigish projects. on a separate sheet of paper, write out the individual action steps needed for each of those big projects. each step should be on it’s own line. on a third sheet of paper, make a daily list of the first steps in each of the five-seven projects and no more than that. do those things you can and cross them off. if at the end of the day, anything remains undone, figure out why…is the step really more than one step or do you need something else before doing it? then it wasn’t the first step and you’ve now figured out the first step write it on the sheet of individual steps. if lack of interest or some other reason led to you not doing that step figure out what can make it more doable. draw a line on your daily list paper. write out the next steps for each project on the same sheet of paper under the line you’ve just drawn. keep doing this until a project is completed. once a project is completed, highlight the last step and the project on your big project list. now you can add a new project to the project list and the individual steps to the action items list and incorporate them into your daily list going forward.
   
3. use index cards to remind yourself of ongoing things that you want to make into habits. write one thing on each card. stack the cards in a logical order and then number them one to whatever, in case they get messed up. then before getting on the computer/crafting/free time, do these daily habits.
   
4. create a weekly schedule for yourself. sunday through saturday. what will you do on each day? I like to read the liturgical readings for the week and renew my soul on sunday, wash up on monday, library on tuesday, tops on wednesday, social crochet time on thursday, laundry on fridays, and sleep in on saturdays. what works for you? just because you create a schedule doesn’t mean you never deviate from it. just that you typically have a pattern to your days and weeks.
   
5. pomodoro technique. use the known yardage for a project, a timer, pen and paper, and crafting supplies. set the timer for 25 minutes. start the timer when you are ready to craft. craft till timer dings. note project name and a tick mark on the paper. take a 5 minute rest. timer set to 25 minutes again. craft till it dings. make a tick mark on paper. rest 5 minutes. keep doing this till the project is done. count up the tick marks and divide by two. this gives you the hours that yardage took you to complete. say 10 hours for 2000 yards stockinette. reduce to one hour for 200 yards stockinette. this gives you a good time estimate of how long a particular project will take you.
   

5.b. pomodoro technique, part 2. using the timer, paper and pen, you can do the 25 minutes/5 minutes working/rest to create a tracking of time units to make estimating how much time anything will take you. this makes it easier to figure out if you have time to do xyz in the allotted time.
like i said these are just ideas. take or leave them.. figure out what works for you and run with those. trust your gut.

Bootstraps

I can easily wallow in my troubles. That won't do any good. I need to find a way to focus my thoughts and energy on something other than my disability. So, how do I do that? Get involved with real folks. I have few offline friends, and few who live nearby. I need to change that. How? Going places and lingering to get to know folks. I liked going to the knitting circle at the library on Thursdays. I also want to get involved in the monthly writers group there too. Get active. I need to move more. I am very sedentary and my body doesn't like me doing that. Walking is easy. I just need to do it. There's a treadmill in my garage. I need to get back into using it. Complete projects. I have a works in progress list that's really long. I have started working through it, frogging projects or completing them as time goes by. Read more. I have a stack of books from the library that would have taken me a week or week and a half pre meningitis. I still haven't finished the slenderest book and am nearing the return to library three week mark. I can read it's just harder for me b/c of eye strain leading to headaches easier and for some reason I'm slower at it. I have to reread more to get what's been communicated. Write more. I like writing. That's why I have a blog. :-) I have gotten away from writing for a while, but need to get back into it. I've been writing some knitting patterns, published one, and am on the way to working on another. It's been a while since I was this excited about anything.

Boundaries

Boundaries. Where do you end and I begin? When does today end and tomorrow arrive? I've been pondering these and similar questions lately.

 A friend was bugged by a blade of grass on my shoe after I had walked across a recently mowed field. He wanted to brush it away. I called him on it when he did, as I didn't notice, nor think he'd do that, before he did. He said, "Boundaries?" "Yep," I replied, and returned to reading my book.

I wanted to return to normal as quickly as possible, but someone had touched me unawares and uninvited. This was not a good thing as Ms. Stewart would say. I felt my skin crawling, looking down, I didn't see any ants or spiders or bugs of any kind. Just unblemished, pink skin.

I remembered other times I'd been touched unawares and uninvited. I was a teenager on the school bus and others were teasing me, tugging on bits and bobs. I was younger and in scrapes with neighboring kids, getting bloody knees and noses.

But, today, it was sunny. I was in my front yard. A friend was bugged by a blade of grass on my shoe. "Sorry," he said. I realized, I was okay and he was okay and it was just a blade of grass. I honestly was able to say, "Apology accepted."

We moved on with the rest of our day.