My Word of the Year for 2020 was Manage. This came from a larger quote, by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, “One who can learn to flow with the current as well as manage the current is the successful one.”
I think I focused on the wrong part of the quote, but the season before last year had been one of floating a lot, and I wanted a little more direction. By the end of the year, I had come to dislike the word Manage for my word, but not enough to change it.
The year began simply enough. January, was it's usual beast with 100% of the days being full of migraines. (I have a new theory about this for a future blog post, so watch for that! It's not earth shattering, just mind expanding for me with implications for future changes.) The migraines continued into February with some other things going on in the personal world to Manage. March, what can I say that hasn't already been said before?
We in the US, not sure about the rest of the world, began the month of March much the same as any other month in the rest of the 21st century. Then the weekend around the Ides of March in the middle of the month came (for those that don't know their Julius Caesar history, the Ides of March are the 15th of March, the date to settle debts, which Caesar did with his life, as did a great many people in this century from that date forward, but I'm getting ahead of myself). And, my household went into a holding pattern, as many in the world did. Would we go to work on Monday? Would we be able to go to the grocery stores? The hospitals? What exactly was closing and when? So many questions. So much misinformation. So much confusion that looking back could have been avoided. But it wasn't and so we are still digging out from the mess that was started first by those in leadership saying it was a "flu" and then because of that not providing adequate care and information for the masses needing an unprecedented amount of both.
April passed in a blur of Managing expectations and wearing masks when out of the house. Because whether or not they did anything, what if they did do something. And, they showed as a sign of respect that I respect your health, so I'm wearing my mask to protect you in case I'm asymptomatic and don't know it. That's the simple thing that showed up a lot in the Spring and Summer months was the sheer entitlement of folks not respecting each other. Folks deciding that their anger at the situation was more important in grocery store videos that went viral than the government and store rules that we wore masks.
May came and went with more time outside. My pup and I took some time in our neighborhood to take socially distanced walks around. Our neighborhood is semi-rural and so we walk on the roads. I carry a mask in my pocket, to pop on my face if I happened to come across a person who wanted to come closer than 7-8 feet even though the distance for masks at the time was 6 feet. I have had some weird health things in the past, so was and still am acting from a very cautious place with this.
June the world learned the name George Floyd. Managing my own internal biases and learning which family members were being ignorant on purpose and so were trying to pull me into discussions about whether it was possible for black people to have the same prejudices with white people, which for the record, it's not, was an interesting exercise in patience, which I don't have a lot of. There's not a 400 year history of black oppression of white people by black people with the rules of one drop of whiteness in your blood making you white so there's more white people, so there's more enslaved people to work the plantations and homes of the black oppressors for free. Sounds kind of ridiculous when you change the positions of the races. To paraphrase Dr. Jaiya John from a podcast I heard in October, through the Good Ancestor podcast by Layla F. Saad, white supremacy is a virus that we have lived with and don't know what it would be like to live without. I want to live in that world.
July was more Managing. This time internal as well, as I had asked for an assessment for distractibility and memory issues. I had been noticing that I couldn't settle my mind to much of anything. I had been putting it down to the pandemic for the last few months, but thinking on my life, I noticed that this was how I just was. Always mentally curious and able to do deep dives into subjects that are interesting, but hardly able to do anything that wasn't at all somehow motivating to me. I had to know why it was important, agree it was important, and like doing it, to maybe even want to do it. Or, I'd find an excuse not to do it. Doing it because of making other people happy doesn't work because that's manipulating them, if I don't want to do the thing. So, at the end of the month I was evaluated for adhd.
August was more Managing. Still internal, but with others too. In early August, I got the diagnosis of a type of adhd. Then, I did deep dives into what that was. I took a dedicated break from a crafting group I'm part of to figure out my place in the world with this new information. Also, my pup was beginning to do poorly, and I didn't want to deal with a lot of questions, so a break would give some space for whatever happened in the next few months.
September came with some hard conversations to Manage. We talked with the vet about the process for euthanizing our dog because he was doing so poorly. As a last option, we took him to a specialist vet on the off chance that something might be easier for him in the last days of life. The first appointment was in October, so we Managed to wait for a while, did I mention I don't have a lot of patience? The new school year brought a new pattern to the schedule of the weeks. Since March through June the weeks had been fully remote through the computer. Then the summer was it's usual break. Summer school had been thought about, but dismissed in this time. So, the county had been in the yellow for most of the summer with occasional bursts into the other two colors. (out of a red, yellow, and green system, with red being fully remote, yellow being hybrid, and green being fully in person allowed.) The school district chose to do a yellow hybrid system for the school year, until and unless they had to go red - fully remote, even if the county went into a green zone to better protect the students and staff. That means our days have had a different pattern than ever before with two days in person, a remote day, and then two days in person. Getting used to the pattern of days has taken a bit of effort, but it's happened and now feels normal.
October came with more chances to Manage. Early in the month my pup met the specialist vet. I have only ever heard her voice over the phone as the visits have been curbside the whole time of knowing her. She did some tests, used her vast knowledge and care, and developed a plan to try to turn around the bad bacterial infection he had had for a long time that was resisting other antibiotics he had tried. She started him on an antibiotic that required wearing gloves, washing hands before and after administering the medicine, and making sure not to touch it to anything we would ever use for human consumption. While he was using that medicine, we couldn't let him lick us or touch his nose or face to us at all. He did sleep on the bed, but that was too much of a battle to fight at the time. In October, I also went to the orthopedic to see what was going on with my shoulder that was really sore and weaker than it should be, and had been since the summer. He took some xrays, gave me a shot of steroids and lidocaine, and sent me to regular pt. I started pt and loved going there, as the people were great and it felt good.
November, I also Managed expectations. I was still going to pt and wasn't progressing like I felt I should be. At the end of about 2 months, I was still at what felt like the beginning of the process. I requested another appointment with the doctor to see why. Until then, pt was the only time the shoulder felt good naturally, so I continued appointments until the day before the doctor's appointment in mid December. I also Managed handling the scary medicine for my pup. The medicine could cause a weird kind of anemia in those that touch it and ingest it. I also Managed writing about 37,000 words for the month in NaNoWriMo, an international writing competition to write a novel in a month. It was the first time I tracked my words written in a month.
December was a month to Mange lots of things. Near the beginning of the month I said good bye to a new friend as they left their internship at the pt clinic. I Managed to show my love in tangible ways thanks to the beneficence of the year. I Managed to write 8,000 words without the help of the daily check ins and sprints of the writing community. which is still pretty good. I have a simple bank book system that has columns for date, document name, starting word count, total word count, running balance (resets monthly, manually), and then time in minutes and a words per minute column where the word count for document is divided by the minutes. Oh, and there might be a comments column, I usually have one of those in most spreadsheets. The math columns are formulas, so I don't have to do the math mentally, and I have them filled in for about 20 rows at a time until I get to the bottom of the filled in rows and then pull down the formulas another 20 or so rows. (All this in case you want to duplicate your own spreadsheet.)
So, towards the end of December I participated in Susannah Conway's process to find your Word of the Year. I had the idea before beginning that I wanted something funner than Managing, and I wanted something more active and external as well. Dancing was running through my mind, but I had heard that this process would help solidify the Word of the Year for folks that were a bit vague on it at the moment.
I went through the process of the first two days about a week after receiving all the emails. Then, I set it aside for about a week. Found it again and finished the day's work that I had been doing. Then, continued on through the process, just not always giving it the time that the process had intended. By the end of the process, I had solidified that Dancing was a good word for me in 2021. To support Dancing, I selected Energy, flexibility, Vibrant, and Ease as these are the feelings that Dancing creates in me.
In hard times, our attitudes can make or break our spirits. May yours make your spirit sing, and if it isn't change it.
