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May 26, 2022

A poem, about my mom, content warning, has mention of death and violence from guns and stuff like that

 Her heart was broken,

She had pushed him away,

Said, yelled really, “ I hate you!“

She hated him drinking, the depression and anxiety that weighed on him, and then the rest of her family when he drank.

He fixed that.

He made it so his little girl, the apple of his eye, would never have to see him like this again.

His life was in shambles anyway. 1967, he was divorced, and back with his parents.

The railroad job was getting harder on his body, so he drank. He wasn’t going to last much longer, and what skills did he have besides drinking wasting his pay on booze.

He was losing his teeth like his father, and his ex-wife was grossed out by the way his dad ate. He didn’t want to end up like that for his little one.

He put the gun to his temple.

Pulled the trigger.

Her heart was broken.


To her dying day, my mother refused to allow my soldier father to keep his service revolver in their home. I remember her frantically screeching, “No guns in the house,” when we lived on post in 1985, or so., and she had found my dad’s safely stored gun in the cabinet above the refrigerator where no one could get at it. It disappeared from the home, and I don’t know what happened with dad’s work life for it. 

Aug 24, 2021

Moving through grief

 Today is near the beginning of the third week of the passing of my mom. I have traveled to see my family and saw nearly everyone, well all who let me see them.

Now, I am just going through the process of getting things done for living life after. I go back and forth between feeling like she’s just a phone call away, or in our case a text away, or then being a numb zombie, or then crying like I am trying to stop the droughts of the world. I am told that this is all valid ways to be, and that it will settle down eventually. 

In my more active times, I verbally tell myself what to do next. Today it was to get dressed for the day, sweep the floors, take my morning meds (even though it was after noon), stack and soak some dishes, and mop the floors. 

To mop the floors, I used a rag made from an old towel cut down to fit in a stick mop (swiffer is the brand I have), and then wet the rag with hot tap water, and then dribble some nice almond scented soap on the floor and spread it around with the mop. It does the job well enough, smells good, and is simple to do. The rag is washable until it falls apart and so it lasts a lot longer than the one time use pads made for the mop, and the soap has a milder scent than the pre-made pads, which helps with keeping the migraine threshold happy. 

I have some fans going through the house to help dry the floors. After they dry, the rag will go into the rags bucket in the pantry/ laundry room, which I need to add a bucket to the “buy someday” list on the fridge white board, as that bucket is cracked on the bottom and leaks if it has wet things in it. 

Then, I will tidy up the bathroom by making sure that the washcloths on the counter are fresh, clean the sink and toilet, polish the mirror, and check in the shower that everything is neatly ready for the next time it’s needed. The trash was already removed for it being trash day today, and I swept it as mentioned above. I might mop it later, but not sure yet. It doesn’t get dirty on the floor too much, and spills are cleaned up on the fly. 

Then I will deposit the washcloths from yesterday to the hamper for towels in the laundry/ pantry room on my way to the kitchen. There I will wash my hands and start the dishes that have been soaking for a while now. I did clean the skillet that was used earlier by soaking it with hot water and vinegar to loosen the grim and baked on bits from some pork chops, then used a long handled brush to scrub it until the icky bits come up. It still needs to go through the soapy water though. 

After the dishes are done, or as a break from them, I also want to vacuum the living room rug. For that I need to move a pile of things from the floor to onto the sofa, and pick up some dog toys to clear space on the floor. Then I might sprinkle the rug with either baking soda, baby powder, or salt, all freshen rugs and make the room smell good too. I use non talc baby powder too because talc is not good for folks to use and we know that now. 

Throughout the whole process, I take breaks when my body feels stress in the lower back, or I feel tired, or so and I don’t get too tired from doing anything too much in the process. This is the most intense day in my weekly process, and it takes a good part of the morning with interruptions from pup and neighbors as they happily happen to go through the whole process. On the rest of the week it’s less than a half hour or so to sweep the kitchen and hallway since they share flooring, put away the dishes, do the dishes throughout the day, do at least one 5 minute pick up in a common area, and tidy the bathroom. Well, doing dishes throughout the day might add up to more than a half hour for the whole day, but each moment isn’t that much time. 

And now that I have written this blog post, my floors have dried. I can get back to work and stop taking a break. Pacing is good, and working is good too. 

What do you do to get through tough times?

May 24, 2021

Splash Pad Party 2021: What is it, and Why I’m a Sponsor

 The Splash Pad Party is a Craft Along that runs from May 28 through July 31, 2021. The eligible crafts are knitting, crocheting, spinning, and machine knitting (though machine knitting is counted at half the grams for FOs as the other crafts). There’s a sign up form on Jen Lassonde’s Ravelry group for the host of the Down Cellar Studio Podcast or her website

I’m a sponsor for the Splash Pad Party 2021, because I want to have even more fun with the craft-along, allow folks to get to know me a bit better, and allow more folks an introduction to my patterns. I’m getting really excited about this event. 

The projects I’m planning for the Splash Pad Party 2021 include knitting some socks, knitting a gnome or two, spinning some yarn, and making some blanket squares to hopefully finish a long standing work in progress.

If you think you might enjoy the Splash Pad Party, head on over to Jen’s website or Ravelry group and sign up on the Sign Up Form. The more the merrier, for sure!

Apr 22, 2021

Open Communication

 Dear Readers,

It started innocently enough. Someone liked some of the posts I have written on here, and sent some comments to one of my social media platforms dm boxes. It's neat hearing from readers, even though I would have preferred the comments be on the posts, so everyone could participate in the conversation, if wanted. 

Then, the person read the post where I describe not standing up for the pledge of allegiance to the flag, let me remind you readers, that happened once out of my dad's 22-year career, and was an allowed response to the standing time. I remained quiet and respectful during that time. I was exercising one of the rights that I was allowed in my life as a 4th or 5th grade child in the 1980s in a way that valued the time and experience of others. They got restimulated about a time their child didn't stand for the pledge of allegiance at some fireworks demonstration, I'm being vague on purpose here, and described shaming their child into standing up by reminding them of others they know who had served. 

That shame may have worked that day for their child, but it didn't change the internal desire to love the flag, or to want to not peacefully demonstrate against it. It was just a child forcefully compiling with a parent. Just as their anger at me didn't change my history, just my willingness to have them in my space. I feel sorry for their child, whether that person is now an adult, or still under the age of majority and required to be with the person who communicated with me.

From now on, all dm communications about this blog will be deleted without being read. I'm only going to pay attention to open communication through comments on here. I delete the spam messages that occur too. 

I'm just tired of the entitlement of others to feel like they can tell me what to do with my own stuff, my own life, my memories, and so on. It has no impact on your life. Even if it reminds you of something within your history, it's not anything to do with me, not really. My life has no impact on your life, we're so far apart my ripples don't touch yours. Especially this past year and a bit, with me staying in my home and with the folks in my home, I haven't been able to ripple as much as I would like. 

If you want to express an opinion about this, reply to this post if you want me to see it, or talk with your family or friends if you don't want me to see it. I'd like to know what you think about folks dropping into others dm's, or about the flag (even though that's only a tangent here), or whatever this reminds you of here. It's alll good, in the comments.


Feb 1, 2021

Dancing through January

 Hi y'all!

I was raised my first 8 years mostly in North Carolina in and around Ft. Bragg, and even though we had neighbors with international heritages, I still have southern vocal patterns. Oh well, it is what it is. My parents are from the front range of Colorado and the midwestern part of South Dakota, so they don't really have southern ways, and their parents weren't southern either. It's just something I picked up over time. 

Anyways, I liked having the word of the season being Dancing. I had a section of my habit tracker in the bullet journal for it with the quote from myself discovery work, "Dancing the dance of life brings me joy." In that section, I also doodled some eighth-notes, a dragonfly, and a five-petal flower. I like the look of it, and it was visible every-ish day when I checked in about whether or not I had done the 22 things I was tracking for the month.

I used a lot of music through the month. There were the weekly zoom meetings with other crafters on Sunday afternoons that the local fiber store owner hosted where the first two-thirds is music jams supplied by the participants in a Spotify playlist we all listen to as we craft along where we happen to be located, then last third is us sharing our names, locations, and what we crafted that day (sometimes, since the last meeting, but not often). 

I also have been listening to the Daily Wellness on Spotify to get some music and some meditation and just have a happy start to the day. That lead to liking lots of songs, and then finding songs and artist from when I was younger and liking their music on there. Now, I listen to hip-hop women artists when I do a lot of my typing as I like the lyrics and the pace for focusing.

I've also been Dancing through my crafting. I thought I'd be lucky to craft 500 yards when the month started. Then, maybe 1,000 yards. Not even 1,500 yards would be a stretch. Nope, I Danced my way all the way to 1642.1 yards crafted, and 1478 yards out of stash through a skein of yarn that hadn't been removed when I got rid of it a while ago, so that's 3201.1 yards out of stash for the month of January. I'll do a separate post of the projects and their details later.

I've also been enjoying the scent of a vanilla and sugar candle. It's not Dancing exactly, and not quite hip-hop style, but it's been helping me to feel happy with the passing of the colder days of winter. There had been a mulberry colored candle that had a spicy scent, and it gave me a headache. This one is nice, and warm, and floaty, like Queen Latifah singing a mellow ballad. 

I just like all the joys of Dancing has brought to me this month. No, it's not in club, mostly in my living room, jamming as I bee bop along through life, and that's cool. It's nice to add some pep and some joy to your steps, some rhythm to your days, beyond the routines of getting up, some music to your cardio. It's all good stuff, and that's very good for my soul.

Take care, y'all, I'll write more later,

Jan 20, 2021

The Power of Yet

 Hey there, everyone!

Recently, I listened to the podcast, ADHD ReWired, and it was the episode 357 “Accept the Brain You Have with Terry Huff.” In that episode, Terry mentioned something about goals not getting done, and the host, Eric Tivers, made the distinction that a goal hadn’t been done yet. And, that small, three-letter word got stuck in my head. Yet.

We folks who have ADHD, or a sub-type, have lots of goals that haven’t been accomplished. Yet.

I am empowered by that little word. Yet gives me the hope that it will happen someday. Yet means I still have time to get the work done. Yet makes it possible for “done” to happen. 

So, how do you feel about the power of the word Yet? Is it a new thought, or, something that you’ve heard before? 

Let me know in the comments, and we can keep the conversation going.

And, with that, have a good day/night as the case may be!

Stay safe out there,