Beginning with this week in January, 2012, I plan to post my ramblings about the three traditional subjects of this blog: God, Homosexuality, and Crafting/Knitting. Please feel free to reply with questions, either here or through Twitter, @cathseeker.
Recently, I was in the hospital with severe pain from debilitating headaches. Going to the Emergency Department and saying I need help was a hard choice, but a good choice. Telling humans things are beyond my ability to cope is some times easier than telling God. I have a higher standard for what God allows of me than what others expect of me. This is a silly thing to do to myself. God understands my situation better than anyone can, including myself.
God isn't worried about the individual details of the tapestry that is my life in a way. He is more interested in the big picture and where I end up eventually. Heaven is a possibility for me as well as for everyone one else, but so is Hell. These are real places. I cannot see or touch them, but neither can I see or touch the surface of the moon, but I believe it to be solid and dusty. Heaven is the full embodiment of connection with the Triune God, while Hell is the complete and utter opposite. To have one, the other must exist, at least on our plane of existence.
Heaven and Hell are like a knit stitch. One side is knit, the other side is purl. You can't have one without having the other. I'm not blaming one stitch or the other either. I'm a left-handed knitter, so I pick my stitches and find purls just as easy as knit stitches. My right-handed knitter friends don't necessarily have that same luxury. They carry the yarn in the right hand, so they throw their stitches and change the yarn position with more steps than us pickers do. I like the efficient and deft little movements of my fingers when working with my knitting.
I like that I can while away the hours with little noise and not end up with too bad of a headache. The meningitis from September is following me around like a bad penny. I call it my constant companion, probably always will as it is a part of me, now. I had been re-hospitalized for the pain from a headache that I'm still having that's been going on since Wednesday, a week and a day ago.
The doctors adjusted my medications, but the strongest thing they told me was that I have to wait out the headaches. Though, they did give me strong pain relievers for severe pain, changed a sleeping medication, and incorporated other medications. The strong pain relievers have a tendency for abuse, so I am being cautious about using them.
The hospital staff and nurses were great with including my partner. They recognized her positive effect on my health and the strength our relationship gives each of us. The nurses also reminded me that my partner would be able to help me get through the changes going on with work. I have been on Family Medical Leave Act for most of the 12 weeks allowed, and it doesn't make business sense to hold my job any longer. My employer is working with me to find a different position that I may be able to work with, but there is no guarantee of that going through.
As a shop owner through Etsy, I understand the business case for not holding my job. The business deserves someone who can be at work, interacting with clients and staff, and fulfilling all work duties of a lead staff. At this time, that is not myself. This is not a personal reflection on me or the work place. Both my employer and I are trying to find a way to keep me employed and yet get the job done too.
I have learned that my job title is not who I am through this process of doing what is good from a business standpoint. I am also learning patience through this process of healing. I have learned that I am able to go through drastic changes and not think of the changes as a catastrophe. This is just a change, an opportunity to find some other way of working.
What about you? How do you react to changes at work or in your health?