Jun 25, 2014
I carry one of these with me daily. It takes up a lot of space, but I don't want to not have my needed things with me. I also almost always have a hat with a brim on to block the florescent or other too bright for me lights. I'm nearsighted, so I use my regular glasses outside of stores more often and the sunglasses inside stores. With the hat and glasses, I'm sometimes afraid the store loss prevention staff is going to ask to talk with me.
Another reason for carrying my kit with me is to have all the numbers on me for meds and doses, doctors and offices, and so on. It makes my mind easy that I can just hand over my list to hospital staff and they can update my meds list if needed.
Since Zofarn, an anti-nausea med, can only be taken once every 8 hours, I also carry peppermint candies. The Zofran is a melt in the mouth med and tastes of peppermint. I've also done some checking into medicinal uses of mints and peppermint especially. Peppermint naturally soothes the stomach.
So, between doses of Zofran, I suck on a peppermint candy. Also, did you know that chewing hard candies can increase feelings of stress? And, sucking on the candy, like on a teet or bottle nipple, can be soothing and send relaxation messages to the brain? Well, they are both true.
Deep breathing while experiencing great pain or intense emotions also sends relaxation messages to your brain, that in turn, send out relaxation chemicals in your blood and so the tension in your body becomes lessened. I'm trying to do that as I go through therapy to deal with the pain and stress of the changes to my life since 2011, now that I'm moving beyond the frozen survival stage. I want to thrive, not just survive.
Jun 11, 2014
Second time this week. I'm at 40 and counting hours with no sleep. Again. This week. I'm going to need something to knock me out. I'm getting exhausted. I don't even know whether to come or go. I have to always be on guard against triggers. I hate it.
You know what, they can kiss my fucking ass! I'm tired of my head treating me like a piece of shit. I don't deserve this. I am human and am running out of humor and hope in this situation. Everytime I meet someone new, there's the question, do I tell them now that I'll bail on them at some point because of my stupid head?! EVERY SINGLE TIME!! I have bailed on those I live with too many times to count. The people at TOPS are lucky I make it to the meetings. It's a huge effort to go, and I just can't on my own.
Where is God in all of this?
Where is my Comforter?
Why in hell does he forsake me?
I should just die and then the pain would end.
But, that would sadden many people. People who I love. I don't want to hurt anyone. I want to not hurt. I want to not have to struggle for everything. I don't want to be the model patient who is happy to get her doctor's agreement that, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body." Stupid Army Guard doctor... who isn't really stupid. I'm just lashing out.
Money is a struggle. Food is a struggle. Health access is a struggle. Dental care is a joke. Medicaid doesn't cover dental and Medicare doesn't either, at least not for adults.
I HATE BEING DISABLED. I WANT OUT OF HERE.