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Jun 11, 2014

Always On Guard zzzzzrp!

Second time this week.  I'm at 40 and counting hours with no sleep.  Again. This week. I'm going to need something to knock me out.  I'm getting exhausted.  I don't even know whether to come or go.  I have to always be on guard against triggers.  I hate it.

You know what, they can kiss my fucking ass! I'm tired of my head treating me like a piece of shit.  I don't deserve this.  I am human and am running out of humor and hope in this situation.  Everytime I meet someone new, there's the question, do I tell them now that I'll bail on them at some point because of my stupid head?! EVERY SINGLE TIME!! I have bailed on those I live with too many times to count.  The people at TOPS are lucky I make it to the meetings.  It's a huge effort to go, and I just can't on my own.

Where is God in all of this?
Where is my Comforter?
Why in hell does he forsake me?
I should just die and then the pain would end.

But, that would sadden many people.  People who I love.  I don't want to hurt anyone.  I want to not hurt.  I want to not have to struggle for everything. I don't want to be the model patient who is happy to get her doctor's agreement that, "Pain is just weakness leaving the body."  Stupid Army Guard doctor... who isn't really stupid.  I'm just lashing out.

Money is a struggle.  Food is a struggle.  Health access is a struggle.  Dental care is a joke.  Medicaid doesn't cover dental and Medicare doesn't either, at least not for adults.